Day 44....Feeling Subdued

Went for a 7 mile bike ride yesterday....which took almost an hour!  I'm blaming it on the wind.  I'm also trying to ride on the hardest gear so I can build up my endurance and strength.  What if August 26 is an insanely windy day...a real possibility in the Windy City.

I learned this trick from Patrick.  Patrick and I have had an ongoing argument for months.  When he is in the stander, he prefers to not wear his neck brace and have his head fall forward.  Then the entire time he is on the stander, he works on lifting up his head.  I maintain that is a ridiculous strain on his muscles. Think of a baby who has to have its head supported until it gradually builds up the strength to hold up its own head.  I've used every analogy possible...think about when you were captain of your swim team, would you throw a kid who didn't know how to swim in the deep end???  Actually, I did not wait to hear the answer to that one.

Needless to say, it is a battle I have not won.  So, if you can't beat 'em.....

Patrick was at my Dad's funeral service on Friday.  It was so wonderful to see his face as he made his way up to the casket with his mom.  I told him I was giving the eulogy and asked if he saw me start to cry, to start coughing to create a distraction.  He agreed.

Its a complex situation having Patrick as a muse.  There really is no give.  My Dad has been my hero my whole life.  As soon as I was old enough to understand the finality of death, I dreaded the day I would lose my Dad.  My Dad, being my Dad, gave me time to work it out.  The day I never thought I would survive, I did.  The grief I thought would kill me, didn't.  That is not to say I wouldn't prefer to go up to a lake house by myself for the next year.  But Patrick makes that impossible.  He wakes up everyday determined to be stronger than the next.  How do you give up in the face of that?  You don't.

So, I am off to wrestle with my sports bra, which should cover a few hundred calories right there.  Its a gorgeous day.  I will exercise.  I will call Greg and set up appointments for this week.  I will continue and complete the Sprint Triathlon on August.

What I have learned in the past week since my Dad died is death is not final.  Energy and matter cannot die.  I've become very Shirley McClainish the past several weeks (woo-woo for those of you too young to know Shirley McClain) and imagine my Dad all around me.  Yesterday on the bike path there was a deer that seemed to appear out of no where.  Looked right at me and didn't run.  I thought of my Dad.  If my Dad had lived, he never would have been able to see my finish in August.  All his energy would have been taken up with breathing.  Now he will be with me the whole event.  I will cross the finish line with him cheering in my ear and waiting with open arms.  Even better.